Three Things E.R. Doctors Wish You’d Avoid: “Horses, Horses & Smallish Horses”

WASHINGTON, D.C.—A recent, nation-wide poll suggests there is a common theme among emergency room physicians when it comes to the things you should avoid: And that theme walks on four legs and neighs.

“If I had a nickel for every trailer-loading wrist or finger break; every stomped-on, smashed-up foot; and every tail-whipped cornea injury I’d seen in the last two decades of practice, I could retire early,” said Dr. Caitlin Murphy, an Alexandria, Virginia-based emergency room doctor that grew up riding in Middleburg.

“I know horses pretty well, but most of my colleagues had visions of My Friend Flicka and Mr. Ed dancing in their heads when they started out in practice. Boy, did they get smart to that quickly!” said Dr. Murphy. “I’ll always love horses, and I love riding them, but you only need to see so many fractures to realize knights in the Middle Ages wore full-body armor for a reason.

“Sure, they were probably about to get hacked at by some rando, but I’m convinced 90 percent of it was the fact that they were getting on a horse, and traction wouldn’t be invented for another 900 years.”

Dr. Christian Peters, a 40-year-veteran of the E.R. service, agrees. “Early in my career, I used to think the regular suspects were going to be roller blading, slicing avocados, trampolines, overly frisky boudoir sessions, and the like. And don’t get me wrong, those things aren’t great either,” he said.

“But horses are worse. It boggles the mind just how many ways a person can hurt themselves sitting on, standing next to, or being in the general vicinity of a 1,200-pound prey animal that’s been genetically engineered for centuries to excel at combat, speed, and hard labor.

“Sure, concussions are bad, but have you ever seen a kid bitten in the lip by a grumpy Connemara looking for its overpriced, designer horse cookie?

“My daughter-in-law probably hates me, but I never let my own kids ride, I’m arguing against my grandkids starting, either. I’d rank the top three E.R. dangers I’ve seen over the years in this order: Horses, horses, and smallish horses.”

And horse show competitors, beware: Dr. Peters shows no mercy to those admitted to his E.R. in $2,000 riding jackets. “Let’s put it this way,” Dr. Peters continued. “I’ve cut off a lot of expensive tall boots and custom clothing from riders in the hospital over the years, and the ones that are still conscious always cry, and plead, and, eventually, shout at me.

“I tell them, ‘Listen, your health is the priority here, and you can always buy another pair. But… on the off chance that you can’t, assume I’ve just done you an even bigger favor.’”

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