If you’ve been the recipient of any of these pickup lines in the past, well, then, you have our condolences…Oh wait. What’s that? You guys are married now? Oh wow, that’s SO great… congrats! No need to read further…

For the rest of you, we all know there are many, many reasons to date a horse girl, but the fact is, #equestriantruths don’t always translate in the real world, and especially not the bar scene. So in case the opportunity ever presents itself, here are eight, horse girl-approved responses to cheesy pickup lines.

1. “You must be tired, because you’ve been running through my dreams all night.”

“That’s so true! I am tired—I was up all night with my broodmare. Her udder was totally distended and swollen and there was even some waxing going on, but nothing happened for hours, though she was pacing and quite uncomfortable. It was such a long night!”

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2. “Did it hurt when you fell out of heaven?”

“Oh no, Heaven was a snap! When I fell out of the hay loft, though, that was something else. It was 5:30 a.m. and I was the only one at the barn, and I learned later that I had cracked a bone in my arm and sprained my ankle, but I had to keep feeding, clean 12 stalls, scrub water buckets and turn out a dozen rowdy young horses, all with one arm! Can’t you stand it?”

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3. “Are you from Tennessee? Because you’re the only ten I see.”

“How funny! No I’m from Georgia, originally. I actually spent the last 50 hours riding in the back of an Air Ride horse trailer from New York to Calgary though, with four jumpers, so I’m newly familiar with many of the lower 48. Word to the wise, an air mattress can be hell on your back, and you really need to close the vents before you fall asleep or you’ll wake up in the middle of a rain puddle. I found that out the hard way. By the way, do you see any hay in my hair?”

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4. “Can I borrow a quarter? My mom told me to call home when I fell in love.”

“Oooo a quarter? Eee, sorry, I’m fresh out. I had to go to the laundromat earlier this week with four loads of horse laundry, and some of the blankets were so coated with urine and shavings that they needed to be washed TWICE. I mean, that’s a lot of quarters. I can’t imagine how my car smells after transporting them—you probably wouldn’t even want to sit in it! Spring cleaning is such a time-suck.”

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5. “I hope you know CPR, because you take my breath away.”

“That’s so sweet, but what a terrible feeling! Last summer when I crashed my horse through a 4-foot brush fence at my first preliminary outing, I cracked three ribs, bruised my spleen, and had to be airlifted to the nearest hospital, which was 20 minutes away by helicopter. I required CPR almost the whole way, as I was getting pretty shocky, and afterward the EMTs said I gave them quite a scare. What a day that was!”

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6. “Is your father a thief? Because he stole the sparkle from the stars, and put it in your eyes.”

“My father is actually an accountant. But that reminds me of the time I got Coolube in my eyes…they were sparkling then I’ll tell you. I was clipping in front of a fan and WHAM—the stuff blew right in. They say it’s eco-friendly, but wow did it burn. Although, that wasn’t half as bad as the time I got DMSO on an apple I was sharing with my horse. It tasted just like garlic. But, like, the worst garlic breath you’ve ever had in your whole life. I was tasting garlic for days…I think I’m tasting it right now, honestly.”

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7. “If I had to rate you on a scale from 1 to 10, you’d be a 9, because I’m the one you’re missing.”

“A 9! Well, I guess out of 10, that’s well above average. Do you know during my last hunter classic I scored a 65. A 65! And that was a local show. Can you believe it? All season long my lowest score ever was a 75, and that was in Vermont. My mom went up to the judge afterward, of course, to complain, and the judge told her we had, among other things, a rub. A RUB! Don’t you think if my horse had a rub I’d be the first to know about it? Sorry…what did you say your name was?”

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8. “Hi, I make more money than you can spend.”

“How nice to meet you. Is that a fact?”

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