WELLINGTON, FL—It was all sun and games this winter at South Florida’s biggest winter horse show venue. But as the pony mothers adjusted their sun hats and clapped politely through gritted teeth for the winning combinations in the Large Pony Hunter Classic, a darker form was taking shape in the chat logs of the daughters’ phones. 

By the end of the weekend, at least three riders in that division would be accused, judged, and sentenced to a month’s ban on Sephora trips of any kind. 

The charge? Participation in a cut-throat, underground hobby horse ring where the cost of admittance was high, the product was scarce, and mercy was in short supply.  

“On Wednesday, while you were ticketing in the schooling ring, I went to the [hobby horse] jump course and tried out Peter,” the 12-year-old participant, ‘K,’ texted her friend ‘W’, including an image of the pinto model stick horse her friend had left behind at the ring while she schooled.

“I like him, and I want him—and all his tack. Name your price, or I’ll pay you $350 for all of it. Or my Mom will once I tell her what’s going on,” K’s message continued.

Unfortunately, subsequent exchanges between the two girls quickly soured when Peter’s owner W admitted her reluctance to do the deal. After appeals such as, “it’s my sister’s favorite horse,” and, “his paint job’s really not all that pretty up close,” failed to dissuade K’s interest, W ghosted her.

It didn’t work.

“I know you read my messages. Please reply. The price I’ve offered is a fair one. I’ve seen the horse you’re currently trotting around on, and its stick is so long you have rails all the time,” K wrote.

“I’m going to make you an offer you can’t refuse. I’ll throw in a fly bonnet that doesn’t fit my other horse, and you can compete Peter in the [Hobby Horse jumping] class this weekend. After that, he comes home with ME.” 

When ignoring her frenemy proved futile, W recruited a third party, ‘P’, to rattle K’s cage. 

“I hear you’ve been giving W a hard time,” ‘P’ DM-ed K. “You need to give her a break and let her think things over. I mean it.

“You know the lake at Pony Island? It’s deeper than it looks,” P continued. “A whole stick horse—maybe your favorite one, Nino—could go missing in there, and no one would ever find it. From now on, they’ll just say, ‘Nino is sleeping with the gators.’ 

“Leave W alone,” P added, “or you’ll be hearing from me again.”

W believed her hired muscle might have done the trick. For two days, there was no response from K. It turned out, the pint-sized hobby horse enthusiast was just biding her time.

After dinner one evening, W returned to her Wellington condo to find her oldest hobby horse with its stick cracked clean in half, buried under the sheets at the foot of her bed. Almost simultaneously, she received a DM from K. 

“Don’t make an enemy out of me [W],” K’s message said. “You and Quintessa may win the Large Pony Hack on Sunday, but in the hobby horse arena, call the shots.” 

W burst into tears, attracting the attention of her mother in next room. It was then she confessed everything, setting in motion a meeting of the moms. 

W, K, and P’s moms agreed to ground their daughters and confiscate their phones and hobby horses, leading to an especially weepy lineup in the (actual) Large Hunter Pony Hack the next day.

(At press time, neither the phones nor the stick horses had been returned.)

More satire from Nina Fedrizzi:

Sign up and get more satire by Nina Fedrizzi delivered straight to your inbox.