Hot, Sticky, & Covered in Mud: It’s Springtime for Horse-Life

You did it! You survived the brutal cold just in time to usher in the balmy spring and summer. The daffodils and tulips are peeking out, little beacons of hope. The grass is green and abundant, just waiting for your horse to munch it down…

But wait! Let’s not forget about the stifling humidity, driving rain, and the boggy mud pits masquerading as paddocks. Are you prepared for all the joy in the coming months? Spring is here… bring it! 

First things first: buy all the fly spray. If you think you’ve bought enough, you are living in a fantasy world. Go buy more. And not just more of the same kind—buy an entire assortment of brands. 

You’ll swear one of them works for about a week, until you see your horse galloping around like a maniac, covered in a blanket of flies. But hey, you can play the rotate-the-sprays game and pretend you’re outthinking the bugs. Really, though, you are only making yourself feel slightly better. The flies are way smarter than you are.

Now, let’s talk fly sheets. You know, that mesh thing you optimistically buy every year thinking: This time, it’ll last the entire season. Spoiler alert: It won’t last more than a month or two. 

Sure, it’s a beautiful moment when you unwrap that pristine, white net-thing and drape it over your horse. Fast-forward to a few days later, when your smug horse drags himself in from the paddock, draped in torn brown scraps of fabric. Do yourself a favor and skip the fly sheet heartbreak this year. Spend your money and time replacing your fly masks. 

Of course, nicer weather does have a positive side: More turnout! A dream come true! 

Unless your horse is the type who despises the freedom of grazing all day on lush grass. He’ll either run himself into a sweat-drenched frenzy or stand at the gate like a pitiful stray until you cave and place him back in stall lock-down.

Or there’s another possible scenario: he’ll love turnout a little too much. Suddenly you’ve run a 10K in your paddock boots trying to capture him. Once you do nab him, you’ll be too exhausted to ride. Either way, it’s a lose-lose.

Let’s not forget the mental gymnastics of the spring blanketing game. High of 80, low of 20—what kind of cruel joke is this? Should your horse wear a sheet? Four layers? Go naked? The only certainty is, you’ll second-guess every blanketing decision, thereby making yourself clinically insane in the process.

And ahhhh, then, there’s nature’s fickleness at its finest…thunderstorms! You think you’ve finally got time to squeeze in a ride after work. The forecast said clear skies—Go for it! But now that you’re tacked up, the sky turns a sinister shade of black, and your horse is wild-eyed and snorting. Boom! Fantastic.

While we’re talking about weather, let’s all agree to hate the actual weather people. We horse people have a special place in our hearts for trained meterologists—and it’s not a loving one. Forecasters are never right.  Don’t feel guilty about your rage toward these charlatans. It’s justified. They get paid to make us nutso.

Mud also deserves its own tirade for driving us mad. Shoes, boots, entire legs; everything just gets stuck—or ends up filthy. You give your gray horse a luxurious bath, scrubbing him until he’s glistening. He laughs in your face, rolls in the mud pit, and you are now the proud owner of a bay. Not to mention, your farrier will ghost you if you call her one more time to tack that lost shoe back on. You can try bell boots, but they’ll likely just end up uselessly caked in mud. Fun, disgusting times!

Speaking of disgusting, let’s take a moment to appreciate the blanket of humidity. The sticky tack, the damp, moldy insides of your trunk, your own underarms dripping… Other places on your body you didn’t know could drip, dripping. Absolute bliss.

In the heat, you’ll smell even worse than you thought possible. When it comes to your post-ride hair, you’ll wonder what’s less embarrassing: walking through the grocery store with your Samshield on your head, or walking through the grocery store with your stinky hair plastered to your forehead. (Pro tip: keep perfume in the car to mask your stank. You know, the cloying kind that grandmas wear. You’re better off smelling like an entire rose bush than B.O.) 

While you’re stashing your perfume, don’t forget to drag your giant water bottle with you to the barn. Hydration is key. Whether it’s water, Diet Coke, or something a wee bit stronger (I don’t judge), keep it handy. And remember, margaritas technically have electrolytes around the rim, so chug one of those with a fist-full of salty chips after each ride. Drink smart!

And, as you stand there, sipping your beverage of choice, sweat soaking your back, staring at your fly-covered, mud-caked horse, just remember, you got this! In a few short months, you’ll be complaining about fighting off frostbite again. But at least the mud will be frozen and all the flies will be dead.