‘Dressage Princess’ Can Indeed Feel the Cardboard in Her Olympic Village Bed

PARIS, FRANCE—In her first appearance at an Olympic Games, Aurora Rella of Genovia said that she could, in fact, feel the cardboard beneath the sheets during her first stay in an Olympic Village bed.

“Our test is decisive,” said Althea Salagadoola, a ‘Special Envoy’ from Rella’s home nation of Genovia (population 3,500).

According to her job description on the Kingdom of Genovia’s Olympic website, Salagadoola has no horse experience whatsoever and was sent—somewhat inexplicably along with her pet raven, Pip—to “ensure the health and comfort of Ms. Rella” in a “purely supervisory” role.

“We in the Kingdom of Genovia had some concerns about Aurora Rella’s being a true Dressage Princess. Yet, after careful observation, we can report back to His and Her Majesties that the much-dreaded cardboard bed in the Olympic Village did cause Ms. Rella significant discomfort after a single night’s rest.

“Ms. Rella complained of neck and shoulder pain, almost constant tossing and turning, and the return of slight rheumatism in her ankle joint—the result of a fall, several years ago, at Young Riders.

“His and Her Majesties can therefore feel confident that they have selected the right Dressage Princess to represent the noble Kingdom of Genovia this year at the Paris Olympic Games,” Salagadoola continued.

“What’s more, we are sure that Ms. Rella, after a couple of Advil, will be ready to compete in top form.”

Aurora Rella, a self-described “humble American horse girl,” grew up training in dressage at her local riding school in Central Florida. Rella was plucked from near-obscurity seven years ago when it was discovered that her estranged paternal grandfather was a citizen by birth of the tiny European Kingdom of Genovia.

This revelation made her eligible not only for Genovian citizenship but also for their majesties’ national sponsorship, complete with Rella’s partner: a 14-year-old grey Genovian warmblood gelding, Maximus, who was bred in the personal stables of Her Royal Highness, Queen Clarisse.

Rella and Maximus gained their first international recognition last year at the Adequan Global Dressage Festival in Wellington, where their standout Grand Prix Freestyle performance to Moana’s “How Far I’ll Go” earned a 72.38%.

“Isn’t it wonderful?” Rella said by phone as she donned her Genovian warm-ups set for the Paris Opening Ceremonies. “It’s almost out of a fairytale!”

More satire from Nina Fedrizzi: