May 15, 2016 
If Facebook had a “Best Of” section for most over-the-top animal placement ads, HiCaliber Horse Rescue in Valley Center, California would be a shoo-in. Because this Facebook post? It’s outrageously hilarious. And it has everything to do with the 20-odd euphemisms for lady parts used to describe a horse named Lizzy.
This is Lizzy, and she’s got a lot to tell you about her lady parts.
Disclaimer: If you’re not comfortable with a “vagina monologue” of equine variety, you will be after this. (Or, you know, just stop reading now. This post is PG-13, complete with graphic photos.)
Without further ado, we bringing you “The Story of Lizzy,” courtesy of the HiCaliber Facebook page:
I have a pretty vagina. Ask anyone who’s ever seen it. It’s true. I totally get that not everyone is so lucky. Genitals in general are kinda weird, but I lucked out. It’s cute, all tucked in, little and symmetrical…kinda.
TMI? Naaaah. One time, when our well broke, Michelle wrote about the frustrations of living on a horse ranch and having a dirty vag. It nearly broke the internet. OMGZ!!!111!!!!111! She’s so gross! RESCUES CANNOT SAY THE V WORD!!”
Guess what? They can. And I will. In fact, this post is going to be so much about vajayjay, I might even run out of words for it! (Feel free to jump in! We can totally ad-lib this post all about the precious honeypot.)
And she’s just getting started…
The truth is, in context, rescues can write about eh-nee-ting and errrrythang. Seriously. If you don’t believe me, you should read the piece Michelle did about “accidentally” getting poked in the wrong hole. It was rather brilliant if I may say so myself. You just gotta think outside the… uh, box. See what I did there? wink emoticon
Anyway – our topic today is not Michelle’s fachoochoo (sorry str8 guys and cute boi-ish lesbian girls!)… instead, we will be discussing the unique little hot pocket attached to ME – an adorable, leggy, bay horse named Lizzy!
Me and my lady parts arrived at HiCaliber on February 9th, 2016. I was purchased from auction after ending up at risk of getting on the “incorrect rig”. I mean, let’s be real, they aren’t heading to Mexico for cheap dental work and botox. I’m a nice-sized girl, likely a fancy standardbred with my long neck and cute perky ears. As if that wasn’t enough to warrant your attention, this girl will really catch your eye as I’m walking away!
Why you ask? Nope, it ain’t that luscious booty… well, one side of it maybe.
And now for the reveal…
It’s because my poonjabi is ON MY BUTT CHEEK. No joke. I’ve got side-snatch and I pee sideways too! It’s actually really entertaining. When it winks at you, you have to cock your head sideways to make eye contact. It is the weirdest, coolest, what-the-fuckiest thing ever…and it’s mine.
A crooked cooter! How many people can say their horse has a tilted love tunnel? YOU CAN!
If this were the 1930’s, we’d be a traveling freak show! Between my lucky labia, Brittany’s GIGANTICO bewbies, Emily’s Pipe Corral Pole Dancing, Michelle’s ball checking abilities and all of the other freak flags flying high around here – we would totally have a traveling circus.
Sadly, it is not the 20th century anymore. No one wants my broken beaver. People come see me and pass my poon by. “Poor little Lizzy and her lopsided lunchmeat.”
If you’re not dying yet, you will in just a moment…
But I’m a romantic. I believe there is truly someone for everyone! If those asshole mules could find a home, there is no reason this precious little pikachu can’t!
It’s true, my girl parts keep me limited to a pasture puff, but think of the conversation piece you’d have sitting in your yard! “Hey Earl, check out this racecar! How’d you like to sponsor THAT thing!”
“Oh ya? Well, I got a sidecar sog box on my new lawn mowin’ rescue horse!”
You’d be the coolest guy in town.
We totally agree. Please tell us more…
Aside from the unique placement of my piss flaps, I really am a sweet girl. I stand well for the farrier, I’m very social and nice to other horses. I’m an easy keeper, UTD on all and ready to go home with you and your less-unique genitals.
The only pissy thing about the situation, (no pun intended) is that you sometimes need to give my wah-wah-ha a hand wa-washing. My urine occasionally drips down my leg and leaves a pee pee pathway that doesn’t affect me, but it IS ugly. No one like drip drool, it’s like the yellow stain circa 1980 in your dad’s tighty whiteys. Please, wash my wallet.
I’m about 15 years old, 15.3 and have a little hitch to my get up due to the over stretched skin on my whisker biscuit (ladies, we’ve all been there after a wild night… or childbirth). There’s really no extra care needed for my vajammajam. Like all meat curtains, they should be kept clean and VIOLA! Happy as a…clam! Just rub a little Vaseline on that vertical smile and everyone will be cheery!!
Cheery? Or ‘cherry’?
Interested in me and blackish-pink canoe? Fees are waived to an appropriate home who will appreciate me and my unique hatchet hole. Seriously, it’s no big deal. It’s not like I have a third nipple, hairy arms or a weird rash on my shin or anything… just a little side vag. NBD.
Somebody better snatch me right up!
Valley Center, CA
Email adoptions@hicaliber.org
That’s 29 alternatives to “vagina,” in case you were wondering. (Darin counted.) As of this morning, Lizzy is still awaiting her forever home. To find out more about this unique mare and other rescue horses up for adoption, check out the HiCaliber Horse Rescue website. They do G-rated posts too.
In case you really can’t contain your curiosity and really need to see the horse’s down under parts for yourself. Or possibly you’re just legitimately skeptical of the ad and need to see some proof, well let there be proof in pixels because just below there’s a potentially NSFW image of Lizzy and her sideways lips. But for most of us who’ve grown up around horses and have been witness to countless vet visits, some G rated checkups and some clearly entering the “don’t show this (or even describe it) to your squeamish friends because they’re likely to vomit their last meal” territory, this really ain’t that bad. Anyways, on a side note, if we’ve been correctly counting, that’s now 31 unique ways “vagina” has been used in this post. What you want to do with that mostly useless statistic is completely up to you, but what you should do is share this story of Lizzy, because she’s a lovely horse and would enjoy a loving and caring home. Thanks!
Yep, that vagina is definitely on her butt.
