October 15, 2026 
“You’ve got to fake it til you make it,” is what my father always advised. “Stand tall and look like you know what you’re doing and the rest will come.”
Dad not only talked the talk, but also walked the walk: facile with words and very persuasive—he had a formidable 50-year career as an anti-trust attorney. Insisting also that it was essential “to dress the part” he spent the first paychecks of his career on the best pin-striped three piece suits he could afford.
Even as a young lawyer, he knew that if he looked the part, it would help him feel the part and, in turn, actually become the part.
As a psychologist, I’m not so keen on the phrase ‘fake it’ because I really don’t like anything fake. I want genuine, deep and real. But I do know that what we think, and say to ourselves—and to others—sets in motion our choice of behaviors, which impacts our feelings, setting the stage for the habits that ultimately form our identity.
Let me illustrate with an every-day example.
If you think of yourself as a ‘weekend warrior’ athlete, then you hold certain attitudes about your commitment to your sport and make certain behavioral choices that align with being a weekend warrior. You may choose not to practice as vigorously, or cross train, or hold yourself to the same standard as someone who considers themselves an elite amateur athlete. You may make excuses for your mistakes.
If, on the other hand, you view yourself as an elite athlete, then many choices become obvious. And the more you make elite athlete choices, the more you fuel your elite athlete identity, the more those choices (eating healthier, working out daily, committing to your mental game) become second nature.
Here is another, more in-depth example, one that I encounter frequently in my work with professional equestrians.
A young pro, in the first five years of her business, comes to me very frustrated and on the verge of throwing in the towel. She tells me she can’t make any money, is spending all her time driving between barns giving lessons to people who are unmotivated, she has only one ‘good horse’ to ride but even then only twice a week and the owner doesn’t pay regularly. The list of complaints goes on. She tells me it’s “impossible” to make it in this industry.
Now, I challenge that belief, because almost half my practice are pros that are “making it in the industry,” so I know she’s wrong.
But, certainly there is a lot amiss in how she is running her business.
We start with how she sees herself: even though she has trained under the most elite professionals, she views herself as less-than. She’s pretty firm in the belief that she’s mediocre. At this point, I almost feel like throwing in the towel myself. I ask her what she wants from me, if there is no future for her in the industry. After all, I work with people who are fiercely pursuing excellence. She quickly corrects herself, and tells me that actually she is very skilled and talented, but no one will give her a break.
Ah, so how I have an opening—I tell her: you can’t wait for a break. You have to create your break. No one hands it to you.
She was only half convinced about this idea, but agreed to work on it, since she ‘had nothing to lose.’
I have to admit she was hard to work with—she was so set in her pessimism. I am fiercely optimistic solution-oriented, looking to make things better and seeing how closed doors open other opportunities. Her mindset was challenging for me.
We first started with envisioning what she wanted to create.
“You have to know where you are going in order to get there, and make choices that align with that path,” I advised.
Her choices were far off the path she wanted to pursue. She had agreed to teach people in all sorts of impossible situations and had few boundaries about time, fees or payment agreement. She accepted trades from clients and allowed the client with the ‘good horse’ to forgo paying.
After we cleaned up her expectations and rules for her business, we figured out a way that she could partly acquire the quality horse and have him full time so that she could really train him. She still had to figure out how to pay his show expenses, but now at least she had a chance to make some progress. Once she started identifying herself as a ‘real pro,’ she miraculously started getting requests for training from more suitable clients with more aspirational goals.
The work is ongoing for her, but the change in her attitude is impressive, and hard fought. While she is proud of her progress, she still suffers at times from crippling self doubt, which is fueled by her unreasonable expectations of herself and unrelenting perfectionism.
But, she is a tough and determined—and very ambitious—and now can see light at the end of the tunnel.
Remember: What you think is what you create. If you think ordinary, you will create ordinary—or worse. If you think extraordinary, then you are already on your way there.
