Equestrian sport, like beach volleyball and gymnastics before it, has the unique distinction of requiring a rather unforgiving wardrobe. Whether you’re kicking a*s and taking names in your dressage test, or going clear and crushing the time allowed in the jumper classic, you know that no matter how good you are, you’re always just one step away from complete and utter disaster: a white breech wardrobe malfunction.

1. You see white breeches on the model and you think, “These won’t be so bad.”

You totally got this.


2. But when the package arrives in the mail, you start to have second thoughts.

Yep, those are some WHITE pants.


3. You gather your courage and decide to try them on.

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4. But there seems to be some strange problem with the zipper. The zipper of your exorbitantly expensive top-of-the-line Italian-made sportswear.

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5. You’re finally able to pull them on…but just barely.

For a moment, all is right with the world.

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6. Until you realize you might actually be that person wearing see-through pants.

Up-high Amber Rose!

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7. You think maybe it’s just a question of lighting—or angles.

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8. Or possibly your lack of choice of drawers.

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9. But no matter which angle you try (and there are plenty)…

What’s happening in your mind’s eye is not what’s happening in the mirror.


10. You think you’ll solve it by doing some quick calisthenics.

(Just to tighten things up.)

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11. And you tell yourself a couple of lies.

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12. But then, you start to realize, maybe it’s time to start accepting yourself for what you are.

Because what you are is an awesome, white pants-clad gladiator.

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13. So get out there and show ’em who’s boss kid!

You do you.

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14. But no matter what you do in your fierce new pants, remember this:

Whites and red wine just don’t mix.

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