A few years ago, Rusty Sullivan, Executive Director of The Sports Museum in Boston, appeared on a local radio show to talk about the museum’s award-winning bullying prevention program, Boston vs. Bullies.

He had planned to take listeners’ calls, but Sullivan’s segment wasn’t expected to light up the phone lines. It was late in the evening, and the audience was an older demographic. So, Sullivan and the hosts pre-discussed how they’d fill the airtime if the calls didn’t come.

They needn’t have bothered.

“The phone lines lit up,” Sullivan said. “It was all these people, calling in to share their experiences about how they had been bullied years and years ago—most of them were in their 60s, 70s, and 80s.” 

Although he was initially floored that so many people would respond and wish to share their stories so many years later, Sullivan soon reconsidered. “The more I thought about it, it dawned on me that something like this stays with you forever.

“We all have an image of bullying: it’s kids by a locker and out in the school yard, or in the baseball dugout. It still happens in all those places—it can happen anywhere,” said Sullivan, adding that bullying today is a far bigger problem than most of us realize. 

“The pandemic really set us back,” he continued. “Kids fell out of shape when it came to social dynamics. There was a lot of idle time, there was a lot of stress in families. Now that we’re out of the pandemic, we’re still dealing with its aftershocks.”

According to Boston vs. Bullies, at its core, bullying is about the abuse of power—it’s on purpose, and it’s not a one-off case. 

“It’s very important for parents, coaches, and athletes to recognize that bullying isn’t an isolated incident,” Sullivan emphasized.

In other words, one exchange of unpleasant words or unkind teasing between two individuals does not fall under the definition of bullying. Bullying is a repeated behavior. It’s something that happens over and over again and is intended to hurt, harm, or intimidate another person.

Bullies generally pick at a chink in an athlete’s armor—via physical aggression, verbal abuse, exclusion, or online harassment—and they’re always out to get a reaction. Their goal is to take away their victim’s power and make them feel sad and scared. Bullying is about power and control. 

But just who gets bullied and when is often based on multiple factors. It might stem from an athlete’s performance in that day’s horse show or game, but it could just as easily be about their home life or physical appearance. 

Athletes with disabilities and teens and young adults that identify as LGBTQ are particularly vulnerable to bullying. But, Sullivan cautioned, in many cases, the kid that’s being bullied “isn’t who you’d expect.” 

“Parents and coaches and teachers sometimes think if a kid is relatively well-liked, and it seems like they have their act together, then they’re not a target for bullying, and that’s just not so. It can happen to anyone, and there should be no shame to it.”

There’s also a lesser-known side to bullying: bullying as a grooming tactic in sexual abuse cases. 

“Research, survivor stories, and athlete experiences show that types of abuse, including bullying and sexual misconduct, are often interconnected and overlap,” said Kathryn McClain, MSW, MBA. McClain serves as the Programs & Partnerships Director for #WeRideTogether, a 501-c-3 dedicated to fighting sexual misconduct in sport. 

“Bullying is a tool in the groomer’s toolkit as part of their overall strategy and plan. Bullying behaviors are often repetitive and [are intended] to hurt, degrade, and control the subjected athlete.”

David-ing the Goliath

Even when bullying is not a precursor to grooming, the abuse can be pernicious in other ways. What’s worse: for many athletes who are bullied, the torment doesn’t end when they leave the barn, field or locker room.

“Relational bullying is a big thing nowadays,” said Sullivan, who gives the example of a student or athlete being excluded from a cafeteria table or from team activities outside of practice. 

“So much of bullying now [also] takes place in the cyberbullying context, where kids and athletes will be on group texts, or they’ll be online, or even on a gaming platform. 

“You want to try to get yourself out of that situation. You can report it to a trusted adult. You can even report it to the online platform, [or] use technology to block the kids [who are] cyberbullying,” said Sullivan, adding that taking breaks from social media can also be beneficial.

Yet whether it’s online, on the field, or in the tack room, putting a stop to bullying often requires intervention from parents, coaches, and teachers.

“Many kids, if they’re getting bullied, will just hope it goes away,” explained Sullivan. 

That’s not typically the case, however. Not only does bullying not ‘go away,’ often the worst thing a kid can do is bottle their feelings up, which can have long-term adverse effects on their self esteem, self confidence and self worth. 

“The biggest thing is that parents need to have their radar up in these situations. If they see a change in [their child’s] behavior, they need to stay close to their kids, and say, ‘Hey, what’s going on?’”

Behavior changes may include a decline in academic performance, changes in eating habits, avoiding social situations, or signs of anxiety and depression. Unexplained injuries and lost or missing personal belongings may also be red flags.

Once it becomes clear that your child is being bullied, then it’s a matter of taking action.

Involving an authority figure, such as a teacher, school principal, or coach, can help provide additional supports and interventions and is always advisable when a crime has been committed or can be prevented and/or if you notice a child that appears to be miserable and isolated.

“If they know about the bullying, it’s their obligation to do something about it,” Sullivan said, noting that the reaction should be swift and definitive.

It’s important to note, however, that this approach can backfire. “Telling” on a bully can unwittingly intensify hostilities between the two parties, setting in motion worse bullying.

That’s not to say, you shouldn’t tell. What’s important is that you inform an adult who has the tools to actually help. Namely that means teaching the victim how to defuse a situation on their own or supporting the victim in removing themselves from the environment in which they’re experiencing bullying altogether. 

The Bystander Effect

Trusted adults aren’t the only ones that have a role to play when it comes to preventing bullying. After all, even if we haven’t been on the giving or receiving end of bullying, almost everyone has witnessed it taking place. 

According to Sullivan, bullying is a three-way drama: It involves the bully, the target, and the bystanders watching or reading it—and that third group shouldn’t underestimate their power.

“Our program [Boston vs. Bullies] is based on the best bullying prevention research, and a key principle there is really to activate the bystander.”

Bystanders with the ability and will to do so may choose to stand up to the bully, Sullivan suggested, but that’s not the only thing they can do—especially when personal safety could be a factor. Going to a trusted adult or reaching out to the athlete being bullied after the fact to befriend them and show support are two other alternatives. 

Or, Sullivan said, you can simply choose to walk away. 

“That’s not probably the best option, but it’s an option. Candidly, it works very well,” he continued, adding that a bully’s power comes as much from their audience as the individual they are bullying. 

“It’s better than sitting there and doing nothing, for sure.” 

According to McClain, the same prevention tools that protect athletes from all types of abuse can also be applied to the bullying triad. 

“These include maintaining boundaries, upholding a code of conduct, listening to intuition, practicing safe and active bystander intervention, and having a trusted adult to talk to for support,” she suggested. 

“Most importantly, athletes [must] remember that they don’t have to put up with bad, mean, or hurtful behavior. You don’t have to tolerate anything that is harmful or makes you feel uncomfortable. If your gut is saying something is wrong, then trust it.”

Learn more about Boston vs Bullies at bostonvsbullies.org and find resources on healthy sport best practices at weridetogether.today.