DALLAS, TEXAS—Forget politics. A Lone Star State Thanksgiving nearly came to blows over the candied yams on Thursday when the family’s resident horsewoman tried to take the remote.
June Bowers, 48, a Texas native who currently resides in the greater Washington, D.C. area, was back in town for only a few days when her wish to livestream international dressage on the family’s single big screen television put her irrevocably at odds with her football-loving family.
“I could have seen this coming,” said Bowers, a lifelong dressage rider who currently competes her mare, Pixie, in Inter One. “This is World Cup qualifier season, and things were happening at Madrid Horse Week. The standings are tightening in the Western European League—Helgstrand is under fire! Werth is back!” she exclaimed.
“Sadly, with just one smart TV to share among the 14 or so of us at the house, my hopes of expanding my family’s cultural awareness and equestrian understanding quickly fell on deaf ears.”
“Hell yeah it did!” responded Bowers’ 24-year-old nephew, Teff Hughes. “You know I love my Auntie June, but she’s stuck up higher than a light pole if she thinks there is anything but football playing in this house on Thanksgiving Day.
“I know she’s the family’s resident horse lady, and frankly, we all know she’s been ‘out to pasture’ back East for a while now. But this here is Texas. This is football country. She’s going on and on about these dancing horses and their ‘decades of training’ and ‘World Cup points’ and this and that.
“Frankly, I don’t care if these ponies can two-step to Clint Black. The only ‘points’ I’m watching on Thursday are the Cowboys scoring touchdowns!”
Upon hearing her nephew’s comment, June Bowers rolled her eyes.
“Honestly, I’m not surprised,” she said. “God forbid we use this special time together as a family to expand our horizons through artistry, or attempt to learn something new. But unlike horses, most people are sadly incapable of any kind of personal growth after a certain age,” retorted Bowers, who eventually stormed from the house and headed down to the neighborhood watering hole. There, she once again attempted to convince the bartender to turn on World Cup dressage, which unfortunately, just happened to coincide with a tied score during the fourth quarter of the Cowboys game.
“What is with you people?” Bowers could be heard shouting as the bouncer gently but firmly escorted her down the sports bar stairs. “Do you know it can take up to two years to train a horse to piaffe? How long do you think it takes to train a jock to run toward the right end zone?”
At press time, Bowers had decided to move her return flight up one day. “I love my family, but I think it’s time to go. I just want to go see Pixie and bring her some apple pie,” she said.
“Honestly, I just really miss my horse.”