Horse Play

8 Reasons Why Christmas Is The Worst, According to Horses

Kid: “What?! I thought horses love Christmas! Who doesn’t want extra carrots and peppermints?”

Horse: “And that’s where you’re wrong, young padawan. Let’s count the ways that Christmas stinks…”

1. Santa Hats

Why? Why would you do this to us?

Fun fact: No horse ever woke up thinking, “Gosh, I hope I get to wear a Santa hat, today!” Not once. Not even your horse. Same rule applies to Santa hoods, Santa blankets, reindeer antlers, candy cane polos, and/or all elf-themed horse wear. You might like your ugly Christmas sweaters. We like our dignity.

2. Christmas bells

©Pete Markham/Flickr CC by 2.0
©Pete Markham/Flickr CC by 2.0

What are sleigh bells but holiday-induced Tinnitus? That inescapable jingling not only alerts predators to our every move but also impairs out ability to detect them. It’s straight up terrifying. It’s so terrifying, in fact, that sleigh bells are how Santa  figured out to make his reindeer fly. The first time he put them on, he triggered a fight-or-flight response so strong his deer actually levitated. Donner now has an anxiety-disorder. True story.

3. Candy cane wrappers


You know what’s The Worst? Watching your person fumbling with a candy cane wrapper. Whoever came up with the idea of shrink wrapping a delicate rod of deliciousness so that it’s virtually impossible to peel off without breaking is The Devil and clearly hates children, horses, and the holidays.

4. Christmas decorations

via Pintrest
via Pintrest

Green things you can’t eat and flashing lights that give us insomnia? Gee, you shouldn’t have. No, really. Just stop.

5. Deck the horse

©Kcinnova's World
via Kcinnova’s World

Ho, Ho, NO.

6. Snowmen


Make no mistake, snowmen are the jerks of winter. All snowmen. All the time. Think about it: Is there anything more infuriating than someone taunting you with a carrot they have no intention of sharing? Or eating! No. No, there is not.

7. Elves


Sneaky, preternaturally cheerful workaholics—there’s just nothing to like about those creepy little buggers. I mean, look at that face. You just know, they’re waiting for the optimal moment to steal your grain and/or kill you in your sleep.

8. Santa Hats



No, really. Santa Hats are The Worst.

Love Bah Humbug,


About the Author

Ryder Elbadawi is 10. He likes riding horses sometimes. But he likes driving the golf cart more.

File Under