1. The Hard Keeper
This is a horse you will probably find on Craigslist for free or close to it. You will go pick him up because you feel sorry for him because he’s skin and bones. The people trying to sell him will spin you a story saying they rescued him last month and have put so much weight on him already and you should have seen what he looked like before they got him! In reality they have owned this horse since birth and have invested their whole life savings into putting weight on him. They finally decided to cut their losses when they had to file bankruptcy after the horse ate them out of house and home. You will find this out the hard way after two years, two retirement savings, numerous vet visits, worming, weight builder supplements, beet pulp, dental visits, blood work and all the free choice hay he can eat.
2. Mr. Tender Toes
All you have to do is think of the word "rock" and your horse limps on cue. You learn all about wedge pads, egg bars, laminitis and the mystical "navicular." You spend most of your time riding the couch while your friends are out riding their horses because your horse is lame on every day the weather is nice, plus the weekends. The days you have to work or are locked in the house due to blizzard-like conditions, your horse is magically sound. The upside is all the free yacht cruises your vet and farrier invite you on since the amount you spent trying to get this horse sound paid for not one, but two yachts.
3. The Easy Keeper
The horse that stays fat on air. The horse that everyone wishes their hard keeper was.
4. The Alpha Mare
Why get married when you can have an Alpha Mare? She is a control freak that always wants her way. She’s an emotional roller coaster of sorts. Once in a while you’ll have a peaceful, loving moment together but it will be short lived. You will probably swear to never own another mare again.
5. The Scaredy Cat
This horse is afraid of everything, including his shadow. He will spook just to spook. He has a great imagination and will even make up things to spook at. The word “desensitize” is automatically saved in your web browser. Sacking out is something you do every day; it’s as automatic as brushing your teeth. You’ll never look at plastic bags the same way.
6. Ms. Accident Prone
This is the horse that is always getting hurt. You know the vet and his family on a first name basis. Your horse even has her own personal stall at the clinic. You invest in bubble wrap to pad her stall then find out how much a colic surgery costs to remove bubble wrap from the intestines.
7. The Experienced Rider
This horse likes to buck, bolt, rear, kick and bite, all at the same time, under saddle. He makes you appreciate every time you don’t end up on the ground. He’s also an incentive to invest in a life insurance policy. He’s the reason why companies like Troxel, Band-Aid and Advil stay in business.
8. The Escape Artist
This horse is a great icebreaker. He will introduce you to your neighbors, animal control and maybe even the police. You might even become famous when your horse ends up on the news running down the highway in rush hour.
9. The Stable Vice Master
This horse might crib, weave, pace or some combination of them all. The upside is your horse will stay in shape from never standing still. The pacing will probably break down all the manure so you don’t have to clean his stall as often and the cribbing will save you money on teeth floating since there won’t be anything left to float.
10. The 7-Year-Old Bombproof Babysitter
This is the horse everyone talks about. He is the reason you wake up every day and shovel poo. This is the horse that has kept you from throwing in the towel and screaming “F it all!” and going back to collecting Breyer horses. He makes it all worthwhile. But, he is as elusive as the magical unicorn. Good luck in finding him, at least in this lifetime!