Welcome, human, to the trail ride!
My name is Angel and I’ll be your horse for the next hour. One hour, exactly. Don’t you worry, we’ll get home on time. I’ll make sure of it.
Our first attraction is found on the left, the beautiful—YOWCH!
For goodness’ sake, why are you pulling on the reins like that? I was just trying to get you closer to the beautiful jack pine. Well, how was I supposed to know how low the branches were?
Okay, back to our tour. The ridgeline is coming up soon, just through this beautiful copse of hardwoods…
What do you mean, “I’m too wide to fit through there?” Are you calling me fat? You just see how skinny I can become… And while I’m at it, how am I supposed to account for your legs? I have four of my own to manage, thank you very much.
Alright. If you yank on my mouth one more time without justification, I’m tossing you in the mud puddle, I swear.
Oops! Well, the horse in front of me just stopped so suddenly, this one wasn’t my fault. I really thought she’d forgotten the path. How was I supposed to know she wouldn’t appreciate being “nudged” forward?
Now, on our right, you’ll see the ridgeline. As you may notice, it drops off sharply toward the river valley below. Isn’t it beautiful? And lovely? And—okay, I get it, stop pulling me to the left. Don’t you want to see over the edge? It’s really—okay, fine, I’ll walk on the left. You’re missing out. Whatever.
Are we stopping to look at the view? Wait, why are you getting off? You—you have to pee? Are you kidding me? You know, when I have to go, I keep walking. Some of us here happen to be professionals.
All right, moving on. By the way, I’m glad you’ve finally put away that little black square that you’ve been pointing at everything. You really pay much better attention when you’re not holding it.
See how nicely I walk when you’re not pulling at my reins? It’s lovely, isn’t it?
Why are we turning around? Excuse me! This is a one-way trail! I don’t do…
Wait, you dropped the little black square? I don’t care!
Fine. Fine, we’ll go back.
Oh, good, you’ve got the little black square again. Happy now? OW! What did I say about pulling on the reins? OW!
Hey, I have an idea… let’s walk up to this tree, reaaaallly close….
Ha! Not so much fun being covered in sap, eh?
I heard that! Asking the guide to switch horses mid-ride is very rude, you know!
No, we are not stopping to look at a flower. I don’t care if it’s some rare mountain orchid. We are way too close to the barn to make stops now. Dinner is waiting, people!
All right, there’s the barn! I hope you enjoyed your blah-blah-whatever.
Gee, your legs look wobbly. Maybe now you have an idea of how I feel at the end of the day?
APPLES! You brought me apples? Oh my gosh, I love you, I love you, I love you!
Caelan Beard is a travel writer and horse enthusiast based out of Toronto, Ontario. She has spent four seasons working as a trail guide and believes that horses go best with a sense of humor. Check out her blog, The Wandering Years.