GREENWICH, CONNECTICUT—Move over Joe the Plumber: there are a few new candidates in town looking to win over the American public, and this crew has a distinctly royal air.

On the heels of their much-publicized trip to Boston, Massachusetts, William and Kate, the Prince and Princess of Wales and future King and Queen of England, made an unplanned stop in Greenwich, Connecticut.

In an emailed statement to Horse Network from the Prince and Princess’ royal secretary, it is clear the pair did meet with William’s estranged brother, Harry, and his wife, Meghan Markle, the Duke and Duchess of Sussex, and that they did it in the most unexpected of (expected) places.

“The Prince and Princess of Wales did, in fact, meet with the Duke and Duchess of Sussex this past week at the Greenwich Polo Club, where the foursome opted to prove once and for all who is the most ‘in touch’ with the public at large. Considering themselves to be true, red-blooded men of the world—real ‘grab-a-beer-type’ guys—they opted to settle the score over four, intensive chukkas of a game they all know well: polo,” the statement read.

“We know how much the American public likes their Sunday Night Football, and this just felt like the next, most natural thing.”

Long engaged in a public relations battle to prove who among the many-times-multi-millionaire-squad is the most appealing to the hordes of unwashed masses, the match (fielded by volunteer members of local Connecticut polo teams) comes at the height of tensions between the brothers. According to a handful of press corps members invited to cover the event, both Kate and Meghan left their Cheeseheads at home, but attended in ‘very relatable’ last-season Banana Republic and J.Crew dresses, respectively, which they had both been photographed wearing many, many times before. 

The sisters-in-law, according to onlookers, could be seen trading icy stares between sky-high Veuve Clicquot champagne towers at the Player’s Lounge Suite. There, they enjoyed their view of the field under outdoor heaters, custom-installed (sustainably, of course!) for the occasion while noshing not on hot dogs and nachos, but the next-best thing: King crab, oysters, and toro sashimi. One can only assume that the two women—neither of whom play polo—carefully avoided mention of Harry and Meghan’s impending Netflix documentary, casually timed for its publicity drop in the middle of Kate and Will’s long-planned American tour.

During the customary stomping of the divots, all four royals raced onto the field, where they could be seen waving, stamping, and smiling maniacally as they jockeyed for just the right camera angles. Ostensibly, all knew the headline at stake: ‘Even in custom boots and Valentino wedges, royals get muddy and manure-covered—just like us!’  

Despite several rough bumps and a dramatic ride-off between the Dukes during the final minutes of play, the match was forced to end in a 12-12 tie when Harry and Meghan abruptly realized the carefully curated public spectacle could impinge on their much-touted need for privacy. With that in mind, the couple called a quick end to the proceedings.

“Since the dawn of time, the sports field has been a kind of ‘safe space’ to play out differences among people of all walks of life. It is unfortunate that a real, all-American-style day out on the sports field should become the object of so much gossip and speculation,” said a representative for the Sussexes by phone.  

“Though they consider themselves to be extremely ordinary—the most ordinary, really—Harry and Meghan were deeply troubled by the media frenzy that ensued from this polo episode. They family asks for privacy while they process this experience with their very average friend, mentor, and former neighbor, Oprah.”