Houston, Texas—As Ivermectin de-wormer sales reached new heights across America under the largely unsupported premise that it can help treat COVID-19, a Texas horse has reportedly recommended that experimentally inclined humans take the logical next step.

Through a veterinary representative, the Quarter Horse gelding Snake Oil Doctor Q (or “Ed” in the barn) recommended the full barrage of standard colic treatment as the “next, big, undiscovered thing” in COVID-19 prevention.

“People are saying I’m speaking out because I have a chip on my shoulder about all these people hoarding Ivermectin. But trust me, a little shortage of de-worming paste is no skin off my back—I hate the taste of the stuff!

“Seriously, though, I heard, through a friend of a friend’s third cousin, who’s actually distantly related to my sire, that she read on her owner’s Facebook feed that following colic treatment protocols really is an unspoken cure-all when it comes to coronavirus.

“Basically, you start with the diagnostics,” Ed related. “A full discussion with your doctor about your possible risk level for acquiring COVID-19—recent travel, possible exposures, underlying conditions, your current vaccination status, that kind of thing. Next, they’ll start with the physical, just the way they do with horses: respiratory rate, a peek at your mucus membranes, listening to your gastrointestinal sounds (that might just be hamburger), and then, of course, a temperature check and rectal exam.”

Depending on what your doctor uncovers, Ed suggested, the course of treatment may vary. But in order to get the full benefits if your risk level is elevated, there’s really no avoiding the nasogastric tube.

“You know what they say: ‘A tube up the nose several times a day keeps all kinds of viruses at bay!’” Ed joked.

“Sure, humans might find the experience a tad daunting, there’s no getting around it. But honestly, if you’re willing to consume large quantities of livestock de-wormer on your living room couch, you can certainly stay the course for a few rounds of nasally ingested mineral oil laxatives.

“I’ve heard some doctors call this method a real miracle treatment,” Ed continued. “Plus, there’s no emergency use authorization required here; we’ve been treating horses effectively for colic using these same tools for decades. The process already exists, and it’s cheap!

“Many of us horses, myself included, have had some run-ins with the ol’ sand colic ourselves. And while the treatment isn’t for the faint of heart—the oil is gross, your nose can bleed from the tube, and those repeated hind-end exams can get a little degrading—after it’s all over, you really do feel a lot better.

“People are going to continue to think outside the box when it comes to alternative therapies, and as long as we’re already headed in this direction, I truly believe that equine colic treatment is worth looking at,” said Ed, who was turned out in his summer pasture and could not be reached for further comment or fact-checking at press time. 

“All I’m saying is it’s worth considering.”