New Study Declares "Demise of 9-to-5 Workday," Leaves Horse People Confused

REDMOND, WASHINGTON—A new study from Microsoft has discovered that employees everywhere are struggling with what has been deemed “the rise of the infinite workday.”

The research conducted by the tech giant has revealed that some 40% of the workforce checks emails before they leave bed at 6 a.m., with one out of three individuals showing that they also check back-in during evening hours.

As many as 20% of the population studied indicated that they’re also on the job on weekends, a fact that has led some researchers to declare the “demise of traditional 9-to-5 work environments.”

But the study is leaving horse professionals everywhere—from trainers to grooms and veterinarians—scratching their heads.

“What is a ‘week-end’?” asked trainer Joanne Burke.

“When I first got into this business 40 years ago, we all took Mondays off. But lately, there’s maybe been one Monday in 12 when I haven’t had to go to the barn to check-in on a sick horse, or meet a shipper, or unpack from last week’s horse show.

“So, you’re saying these people are upset because they have to scroll through their in-boxes on a Saturday?”

Veterinarian Dr. Cooper Clarke agrees. “I remember, when I was an intern, I had a beach vacation scheduled with my fiancé and my future in-laws at some swanky place in Nantucket during my first weekend ‘off’ in four-and-a-half years.

“Do you want to know how many cases of emergent colic, choke, 3-legged lameness, and complicated foalings we attended in the days leading up to that weekend?” Dr. Clarke said. “Needless to day, with the back-log, I never did make it to Stubbys.”

Meanwhile, lifelong groom Hugo Lopez said he’d love to be in his bed, checking his email at 6 a.m., but he hasn’t been horizontal at that hour in the better part of a decade.

“We feed in the barn at 5:45 a.m., which means the guys and I have to be up, showered, dressed, and in the car to Tim Hortons by 5:30 a.m., when the doors open,” Lopez explained. “On horse show mornings, depending on how many we have going, sometimes we can’t even do that.”

When asked if, surely, after his nearly 12-hour day wraps up around 5:45 p.m., Lopez is free to kick back with a cold one, he chuckles.

“Yes, sometimes—even at horse shows—we get lucky, and everybody is bathed, put away, and fed by that time. I guess I’d hate to have to start checking emails then, if I worked a traditional job.

“But I’d have to be quick about it: night-check starts at 9 p.m.”

More satire from Nina Fedrizzi: