NEW YORK, NY—Do you feel sad? More tired than you’re used to? Do your arms feel weak and flabby from a conspicuous lack of flag-waving?
Don’t despair: You might be suffering from Olympic Closing Ceremonies Disorder.
“I didn’t know what hit me,” says Tim Hapless, a retired hospital scheduler and father of three grown children who says he woke up last week with an incurable case of the summer blues.
“I realized I was actually feeling much more rested than I’d been in early August, when I’d been getting up at 3:30 a.m. each day to watch my favorite events in real-time. I set up a fleet of televisions in my living room, so I didn’t miss a single highlight on my Olympic schedule.
“I added the Paris weather app to my phone, I ordered my own Team USA beret. I subsisted on omelets, ham and cheese baguettes, and steak frites. I even took French lessons on Rosetta Stone just so I could feel like I was there,” Hapless continues.
“My wife complained about the menu, my accent, and the mess. But I didn’t realize I might be suffering until I started to dismantle my ‘control room’ on August 12th. I just kept thinking, what will I watch tomorrow? What will I do if I’m not up on the medal count? Will I actually get out of my recliner and go outside?” Hapless laments.
“If I’m not the guy you can turn to for up-to-the-minute Simone Biles updates, who even am I?”
College equestrian team rider Kate Chase agrees.
“For 19 days on my summer break, I was fully immersed in the high drama and romance of the 2024 Paris Olympic Games. Celine Dion staged a comeback! Two athletes got engaged! Pommel Horse Guy pommeled…and I tried to slide into his DMs!” Chase laughs.
“I can’t remember feeling so inspired by anything in my whole 20 years on earth—the camaraderie and sportsmanship, the razor’s edge margin for error. There were fist-punches to the sky in triumph, and crushing, head-in-hands moments of defeat.
“I screamed at my TV, I cried during the national anthems, I scared my dog—and that was just the show jumping!”
After the Closing Ceremonies, Chase said she felt an acute onset of listlessness she couldn’t quite pinpoint. At first, she thought it might be because Pommel Horse Guy ghosted her, but even that was only a drop in the bucket.
“It was my mom that actually diagnosed me with Olympic Closing Ceremonies Disorder,” Chase explains.
“She asked me if I was looking forward to going back to school this fall and seeing all my friends, and riding on the team. I told her I was—sort of—but added that what I was really looking forward to was L.A. in 2028! That’s how she knew.”
Chase said she’s been treating her symptoms at home, rewatching her favorite moments from the Games, hacking a friend’s horse for exercise, and journaling about her Olympic-sized emotions. (Word to the wise Pommel Horse Guy: don’t message Kate Chase back, she is officially “no longer a stan.”)
For his part, Tim Hapless has hit the pause button on his bad mood by booking his first trip to Paris this fall. There, he hopes to follow in the footsteps of the 2024 Games, touring the Grand Palais where the fencing and taekwondo was held, strolling the equestrian grounds at the Palace of Versailles, and scaling the iconic Eiffel Tower, a small piece of which is contained in each individual medal bestowed during this summer’s event.
When asked if he will also be indulging in a swim in the Seine River—which famously hosted the Olympic triathlons amidst fears of rising bacteria levels including E. coli—Hapless doesn’t mince words in English or French.
“I’m sad,” he says, “pas stupide!”
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