Kid: “What?! I thought horses love Christmas! Who doesn’t want extra carrots and peppermints?”
Horse: “And that’s where you’re wrong, young padawan. Let’s count the ways that Christmas stinks…”
1. Santa Hats
Fun fact: No horse ever woke up thinking, “Gosh, I hope I get to wear a Santa hat, today!” Not once. Not even your horse. Same rule applies to Santa hoods, Santa blankets, reindeer antlers, candy cane polos, and/or all elf-themed horse wear. You might like your ugly Christmas sweaters. We like our dignity.
2. Christmas bells
What are sleigh bells but holiday-induced Tinnitus? That inescapable jingling not only alerts predators to our every move but also impairs out ability to detect them. It’s straight up terrifying. It’s so terrifying, in fact, that sleigh bells are how Santa figured out to make his reindeer fly. The first time he put them on, he triggered a fight-or-flight response so strong his deer actually levitated. Donner now has an anxiety-disorder. True story.
3. Candy cane wrappers
You know what’s The Worst? Watching your person fumbling with a candy cane wrapper. Whoever came up with the idea of shrink wrapping a delicate rod of deliciousness so that it’s virtually impossible to peel off without breaking is The Devil and clearly hates children, horses, and the holidays.
4. Christmas decorations
Green things you can’t eat and flashing lights that give us insomnia? Gee, you shouldn’t have. No, really. Just stop.
5. Deck the horse
Ho, Ho, NO.
Make no mistake, snowmen are the jerks of winter. All snowmen. All the time. Think about it: Is there anything more infuriating than someone taunting you with a carrot they have no intention of sharing? Or eating! No. No, there is not.
Sneaky, preternaturally cheerful workaholics—there’s just nothing to like about those creepy little buggers. I mean, look at that face. You just know, they’re waiting for the optimal moment to steal your grain and/or kill you in your sleep.
8. Santa Hats
No, really. Santa Hats are The Worst.
Love Bah Humbug,
About the Author
Ryder Elbadawi is 10. He likes riding horses sometimes. But he likes driving the golf cart more.