April 13, 2016 
For all of their majestic qualities, thoroughbreds have historically been given some awfully wretched names. Here’s a few of my favorites.
Spanker (1670) – Also known as Pelham’s Bay Arabian and The Old Bay Arabian. I dunno, that’s just a silly name.
The Coffin Mare (1690) – A mare stolen out of Lord Protector Cromwell’s personal stud farm and hidden in a cellar until his death, hence her unusual name.
Bloody Buttocks (1725) – A grey colt named for his unusual “bloody shoulder” marks, which were on his rump.
Blacklegs (1725) – Also known as Hutton’s Blacklegs. Just a straight cool name.
Warlock Galloway (1728) – Another kick-ass name.
Silverlocks (1725) – This mare was registered as a chestnut and was sometimes referred to as dun, but in truth she was a rare palomino Thoroughbred.
Look-At-Me-Lads (1731) – Lovely names for a filly, ain’t it? She had a daughter called Young Look At Me Lads.
Pantaloon (1767, 1778, 1824, 1877, 1887) – So good, they used it five times! Underwear names are always good.
Pot8o (1773) – The infamous Potato (or Potoooooooo or Pot-8-o’s) was named when an illiterate stableboy was told to write his name on his stall door. A good racer and even better sire.
Allabaculia (1773) – Mare who won the first St. Leger Stakes in 1776. Sired by the great juvenile Sampson when he was 27 years old, and she was raced without a name – Allabaculia was bestowed on her long after her retirement.
Magnum Bonum (1773) – A decedent of Bloody Buttocks and winner of the 1779 Doncaster Gold Cup. Sounds like some sort of dirty Latin phrase.
The legendary Eclipse, sire of many great champions, including Pot-8-os.
Spread Eagle (1792) – Also known as Seymour’s Spread Eagle. Epsom Derby winner of 1795.
Pope (1806) – Mostly on this list because he was also known as “Waxy Pope”, after his sire Waxy. And “Waxy Pope” sounds the name of the worst band ever, to be honest.
Cwrw (1809) – HOW DO YOU EVEN PRONOUNCE THAT!?!
Muley (1810) – I’m guessing he wasn’t a very attractive horse.
Filho da Puta (1812) – This one’s way more fun if you know Portuguese. For those that don’t, it means “son of a bitch”.
Humphrey Clinker (1822) – Imagine you were given the chance to name a racehorse. Now, how far down the list would “Humphrey Clinker” be?
Riddlesworth (1828) – I couldn’t resist this one. I really just couldn’t.
Plenipotentiary (1831) – Defined in the dictionary as “a person, especially a diplomat, invested with the full power of independent action on behalf of their government.” Defined by me as “name that is too long and ridiculous for a horse.”
Pussy (1831) – Yes, this was an actual name someone used. Someone named their horse this. Different time and all, but still funny.
The Ugly Buck (1841) – Another evidently not very attractive horse. Perhaps he took after his dam, a lovely creature named Monstrosity.
Nunnykirk (1846) – That’s just silly.
Saunterer (1878) – This here is a horse that saunters. Sashays. Swishes. This here is a fancy walkin’ horse.
Mayonaise (1856) – Once again, how far down the list was this name?
One ‘n’ in mayo, 8 o’s in potato. Got it.
Robert the Devil (1877) – I like to imagine that he spoke in tongues and left flaming hoofprints wherever he went.
Dutch Oven (1879) – Obviously, a “dutch oven” was a very different thing back in the day. But damn, that’s still a great name.
Nun Nicer (1895) – Why yes, I do enjoy puns. Nun puns.
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